Duck Duck Cougar?
upper decked the toilet at the restaurant that wouldn't let me pee there yesterday
i really wish my pants would only unzip when im sober
He came on me while singing crank dat like soulja boy, fuck our sex life has reached a whole new level of low
Maybe I need a light up heart over my vagina like Christina aguilera to get the point across
i wanna pet his head its so fluffy. were gonna open a petting zoo
if you just come over, i will entertain you
arguing about the color of your bong does not count as entertainment
It was right before we played jenga with champagne glasses for a good half hour
apparently when we were gone the parents play strip connect 4
Underoos and an IDGAF attitude: all you need to successfully win at life
(Underoos optional)
I was looking for a pen and I stumbled upon my mom's vibrator. On a related note, yes I will be going out tonight.
I just sucked dick on a ferry
Hey, do you know the person who woke me up last night at 1 in the morning yelling and being carried through the courtyard?
That was me Mom...
It's 2 am on the long weekend and what am I doing? Sitting alone in my room eating chips and queso and watching Rio. Fuck I need to get laid.
So a bottle of lube exploded all over my softball bag and Nike shirt.
Randomize
