Some broad at the bar just asked me how much money I make. I don't know whats worse, the question or the answer.
Note to all middle aged "I totally let myself go after childbirth" frumpy mothers: I do not dress this way for your husbands. Stop looking at me like that. It's not my fault.
I am midnight drunk by noon
normally i would apologize for my drunk texting but even sober me agrees.
Im shrooming at the foot of a tree on top of a mountain. Feeling fly as fuckin socrates and bon iver.
The only thing I like when I am high is sex. And Cheez Its. But mostly sex.
i wear a size 32DD bra. its basically impossible for me to get a speeding ticket
You have mono. It's like being pregnant, your are excused from normal social niceties like responding to people.
tried to make it look like I had been conscious/awake and out all day when I stumbled into cvs at 6pm to buy plan B
update: I failed
Might be using my graduation money to pay for an abortion.
If I can ever get control of my legs I will be home. Thanks... and again sorry about your bed.
FUCK YOU AND YOUR WEAK ASS EYEBROWS
He has great taste in girls. I feel closer to my Eskimo sisters than my real sister...
holy shit I was not prepared for her to whip out that dildo
I just wiped cum off my face with baby wipes... #momlife
Randomize
