There was something that i liked about you, but you spent it
My ATM looks so different sober.
Your two fuck buddies playing ping pong together. HOW. ADORABLE!
My only expectation is honesty. And three orgasms every time.
Am I the only one that feels like there are hundreds of tiny people having a rave and stomping and kicking around inside my head this morning?
I will never in my life forget you letting the cat lick your tongue
Sitting on the curb by new england comics with a weeping drunk girl who's eating french fries saying she'll never be as successful as her sister the hand model. She's scaring the nerds.
whatever the appropriate amount of shots is to consider drunken acrobatics a good idea was a few less than I actually had
Should I tell this TSA agent his fly is down while he is trying to hit on this chick?
I'm over my straight phase. They all turned out to be idiots and none of them got me off. I'm going back to hot girls with strap ons.
Is her birthday actually on cinco de mayo? That makes so much sense
If your gig isn't over in 30 minutes I am coming on that stage to come on your dick.
You walked around in your costume going up to every guy saying "I'm a squirrel, give me your nuts"
I hit an all time low we ran out of coke and I met up with my dealer at 8 in the morning for a re-up. great customer service though.
Where can I buy a stripper pole at midnight on a Sunday?
Randomize
