i just woke up to 15 people singing a whole new world
we are cloud gazing and there is one that looks like a giant baby riding a dolphin and smoking a joint
i wish there was a reasonable explanation for why this reminds me of you
when i got home i made myself toast with butter & put pasta on it. I know this cause it's all over my bed.
tell me why there is a bowl of oatmeal from starbucks in my purse
I think I used your jacking off shit when I showered. I couldn't see shit, it was all oily. Fuck power outages
I met her dad while holding 4 empty beer bottles at the opera house. I think I made a hell of an impression.
He used the phrase "no problemo" in a sext. It's over.
WTF DUDE?
Stay calm. I'm sure there's a heterosexual explanation for this
Just an FYI i'm going to get drunk as shit while you are on duty and attempt to not fall into the bathtub again.
Rodger that.
Have you ever got so drunk that you tasted the future?
I don't have the resources to adequately explain this. I need like a Powerpoint presentation and also Vodka.
Im so hungover I just threw up at the sight of a CARTOON CRABBY PATTY
Jesus I was next level high last night having a mental epiphany about the state of Virginia
I RAN OVER A NUN! I RAN OVER A FUCKING NUN! GOD WILL NEVER FORGIVE ME FOR MY SINS NOW!!!
that blonde bartender and I racked up an impressive mini bar bill last night
Mini bar? Did you get a hotel room?
Yeah, the last thing I need right now is a chick with an insane clown posse tattoo knowing where I live
That’s legit
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