you ended the night by relentlessly sucking on my hips bone and hand demanding milk. you said it was because you were a tiger
I learned much from the teen babysitter: I can light a cigarette in a microwave.
Maybe if i steal enough bar glasses i can justify all the money spent i've spent there
I wouldnt consider it a good Wednesday if there wasn't any projectile vomit involved
Well now that I've given all the athletes mono there goes our chance of winning any conference championship
And leave it to John to ask the cabby to make a Porno in his cab
I might come over. Something about you makes me matronly and I have this urge to nurse you back to health with soup and a blowjob
What's the politically correct way of saying you've made someone your bitch?
Just got hit on by a 50 year old Englishman who is now swapping drunken racing stories with my mom. Live Mariachi band in the background. How's that for a wake?
YOU HAVE PISSED AND FUCKED ON LITERALLY EVERYTHING IN MY HOUSE
Not everything, just a few things. And only a few times. The odds are really not all that bad when you break it down.
you’ve pissed every time you slept over. there’s no such thing as odds anymore. it’s guaranteed
There's a cute bearded guy at this brew fest wearing a kilt and selling mead
TELL HIM ABOUT MY DOWRY!!!
It took me longer to jump start my car and get to his house than the fucking actually took.....
you're now officially the 3000 mile booty call. congrats.
Wow. I want to climb Santa. You've made my mind go places I wasn't prepared to explore.
My body isnt used to all this fresh air, sun and booze....ok well maybe just the fresh air and sun...its used to the booze.
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