there's paper in my vomit.
I had to go to the front counter of the restaurant and ask for the key because I was "pretty sure my friend is passed out in the bathroom right now"
Awww, you two will make beautiful abortions together...
you tried to pee on a squirrel and everyone saw. you've got some serious untagging to do
Do you remember calling yourself Captain Cockblock and openly giving out everyones sexual history? Because you did.
No. No, there is no forgiveness for this. The only way I'm forgiving you for this is if you somehow convince your sister to have sex with me. In her car.
Wow just saw this. Nothing like a little anal sex to ring in 2012.
And now she's hand feeding me pork rines and showing me her angry birds high scores. This is Vegas.
They sent me to the hospital. Apparently, of the many things I said, I looked at the doctor and told him, "Wow... it's like you're a REAL DOCTOR!"
Is it bad if one of my goals right now is to snort blow through a licorice?
Don't answer that. It is bad.
His phone pocket dialed me while he was crapping. He was quietly singing stayin alive and possibly passing his intestines.
I don't think I can look at him the same way anymore after he walked in my room wearing a short skirt with a boner.
He peed in the bird bath. Those birds are gonna be pissed
1. My arms are cement 2. I wish dogs could answer the phone
I just saw the co founder of Waffle House passed away Friday. Are you okay?
That's about the same time my life started falling apart... Coincidence?!?!? I think NOT!!!
Why does my mask smell like doritoes?
Randomize
