dude i just saw a topless girl trying to get into her locked car. im moving here
I'll be waiting for you under the stairs with peanut butter and tequila ... Don't tell the neighbors
So I went to have a snack...can you please tell me why there's a condom in the hummus?
Haha that's why you never name the penis. Its like a pet, once named you will most likely get attached.
I'm putting "buy a bottle of scotch" on my "productive things to do to procrastinate studying for finals" list
If anyone could figure out how to pee on someone's soul, it would be you.
You always know what to say to make me feel better.
I just saw that blonde chick you wanna bang rolling down the hall wearing a Thor mask..
Wow. We're meant to be..
I should start printing out disclaimer handouts and passing them out to people saying, "I can not be held responsible for anything I say or do this evening."
You gave your one night stand my number. I told him you left for your sex change an hour ago.
my ex's current girlfriend held my hair as I threw up. new low.
We literally solved our fight using cat pictures on Instagram. True love.
I've talked to too many cops in one week and I haven't even committed any crimes. I hate the suburbs
Oh I'm sorry does your girlfriend send you better pictures of things in her ass? No? Didn't think so. Remember that the next time you wanna complain how I don't make the first move enough.
I forgot to lock the door last night. I woke up cuz a guy opened my bedroom door, asked me who I was and where he was. And there was another guy standing in the living room asking me if I knew what apartment "Travis" lives in.
did he think i wouldnt notice the naked girl in the backseat
Randomize
