i dont remember who you are as you are in my phone as "mr. peanut."
you kept making us tell you how cute you looked in your new outfit, even after you threw up all over it
We FINALLY fucked. I swear that's the longest I've ever held out for
Umm you met him three days ago....
I said what I said
Well I'm just gonna sit here naked in this chair and whatever happens happens
Now you know for the next time you go in the basement to wear a helmet
WHY AM I ALWAYS THE ASSHOLE WHO BREAKS OUT THE SHOTS
Got drunk and tried to deep fry burritos. Turns out wild turkey isn't a good replacement for vegetable oil. Nearly burned my house down.
Sober people should be as daring as drunk people more often, because honestly the fact you’ve lived so long is a sign that anything is possible.
you'll be horrified to know he's visiting next weekend
You two are a rollercoaster of sex and silence.
Hey I have your shoes. Do you remember shouting "Police brutality!" when the bouncer was kicking you out last night?
I would ask what did you do but I feel like who did you do is probably more appropriate
In the midst of you puking your guts out, you stopped, looked at the globe in front of you and whispered "America.."
I think we need to stage a munchie intervention for Ben. I just watched him use a tortilla as a potholder to dump water out of his ramen.
Let's get a hotel room this time. I really don't want to sleep in a Dennys parking lot again.
Left my wallet at the store. Wouldn't have noticed if the joint I just rolled wasn't in it.
It's 3 am. Nothing I've tried can get the taste of failure and vomit out of my mouth.
Randomize
