idk hes just been lookin at me weird all night
he probably just wants to cut your skin off and wear you like a body suit
so i was supposed to be to work at 8..but its 9:15 and im currently standing stoned in the middle of holiday...with a bag with three doughnuts, two redbulls, and a slim jim..
god i miss watching you do this...
Just saw a white stretch Hummer limo outside of CiCi's pizza. Way to live up to the stereotypes, Alabama.
So I'm really hungover walking to work and these douches from comcast on bikes ask if they can take a picture with me to show that they're doing their job. The picture: me, this chick from comcast, i'm holding a 2 ft. pixie stick, a comcast flyer and i'm puking in the parking lot. sounds like their doing a good job!
They just sang me a song about how small my dick is in front of the whole bar
By the way, she says hi. At least I think she did since she licked my phone
Note to self glow in the dark nail polish can be quite the mood killer during sex especially when you notice its working for the first time and you stop everything your doing to do spirit fingers
Please stop using me as a reference for bail bondsmen.
I overcharge people for their weed so you can have yours for free, because I care
How bad would it be if I wore out the dress we got peed on in. You're the only one who knows.
Our DD will meet us there. The strippers are sending a limo to pick him up. He promised them New Years Eve massages. Said he would still drive us home.
Gays age differently than straights. 29 is like 45 in gay years. Next year I'll be in adult diapers and applying for medicaid.
I was trying to remember why my knees hurt then I remembered I was twerking on the countertops.
Thanks for being the best husband and reassuring my fuck buddy that you're comfortable with my adultery. You da real MVP.
I'm gonna give the church their tithe, and the rest is a down payment on boobs.
Randomize