so that guy from last night texted me saying i flashed half of my extended family last night. so classy.
she just made me lysol my hands in order to touch her tits.
So I decided to start saving money for my abortion in a tomato sauce jar because it says ‘Prego.’ I know I thought it was fucking genius!
Only in this snowstorm did have I realized the lengths I'll go to to get laid.
I have been drinking at the bar so long today that I literally just found a spiderweb from my leg to the bar.
He was ugly. Like horse ugly. But he was built for power, not for speed.
I woke up to a hotel manager knocking on my car ( window was down) and asking if I was ok
he does have a point though, watching you drink makes me never want to drink again
Would you even take no as an answer? I have a feeling you see it more as a challenge.
Sometimes you have a life bucket list item checked off like 4 tits in your face simultaneously and getting to bang them both. I'm sorry I bailed on skiing but not really. Coming over with a boombox playing 'heat of the moment' as soon as I can hail a cab cause I'm too drunk to drive still...
I'm not even mad. I was just trying to get a boner, you're the one that had to see that
Oh, that was the alley that I ate a pine cone in.
This is exactly why you shouldn't bang your bartender. Although the awkward free shots are a plus.
Jamie's fucking a senior citizen and I'm eating chips and salsa in the shower at 2am, so whatever you're doing it can't be worse.
Woke up in my boxers on a subway with a phone number written on my arm in lipstick..Best Night EVER.
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