I was on my way at Dorito Smoothie
I smell like Captain Morgan and tears
Better than last year. I didn't wake up to an after thanksgiving human shit on my living room floor. I think it's a sign I'm growing up at almost 30.
I puked in my fridge last night while I was trying to get water
Codeine + Boredom = Sprinting between my front and back door.
Looking through last night's sexting, realized one is a haiku..
My fall semester strategy is to submit my papers with a nude selfie
You've got post-grad studies written all over you
Yeah play it cool maybe put in a kissy face though let him know you're giving an invitation for his dick
Can't feel body but making pizza rolls
When my beach tent arrives , I strongly suggest quitting our jobs and becoming homeless beach drunks
I may not have my dignity, pride or sanity but I have my pants.
You're even getting laid in my dreams, god I'm a good wingman
I swear I have some evil slut demon in me when I'm blacked out
Don't we all.
I need to start dating older women. We tried sexting and she used more emojis than actual words. It was so bad that I did the math...her messages were 54% emoji. No one should make me feel this old when I'm only 28.
He just canceled. I got an amazing new dress and now he’s decided he’s spending the weekend with his family
In other news, there’s some rando in an expensive hotel bar who is going to get very lucky tonight because I love the way this dress makes my tits look. Want to help me find him?
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