we have pet lesbian snakes
Drinking non-alcoholic beer is like going down on your cousin.
Sure it tastes the same, but it ain't right.
it's one of those mornings where you are proud of yourself just for waking up.
My mother just asked me if i ever swallow the goods...should i be concerned?
new rule: cockblock me if I have had over a fifth of jack. no matter what.
I swear there's a gravitational pull from your vagina to large groups of men in uniform.
and PS, please don't fuck in the corn maze, k?
You just kept walking around saying "my brain is soup" then sat on the kitchen counter washing your feet. You bit the guy that tried to help you down
SHUT UP I CAN'T HEAR YOU OVER THE SOUND OF UKULELE AND LONLINESS
Orientation leader success, day 1: incoming freshman just ate out his first sorority girl. I gave him a 7/10.
Random one night stand with a guy that had a USA tattoo on his ass. Can't possibly get more American than that
he's really high and upset. he just found out alice from the brady bunch died
Do you think if I had a tempurpedic bed he would still be able to feel me fingering myself after we have sex?
Uber southern baptist grandma and uber flaming cousin just got into an argument about whether jesus is OK with gay marriage. Aren't these things only supposed to happen at Thanksgiving?
I'm with the cops, Trish's gay husband stabbed himself and is framing her for attempt of murder and I'm dressed 4 the club I'm wearing leather pants leather jacket leather boots and black club top. Embarrassed
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