Dont touch anything! You just got rid of your crabs!
That reminds me...we need to get swords
He told me to fuck off at some point in the night. I think it was right before he jumped out of a moving car trying to get to another bar and made Abby cry.
I have bruises on the inside of my thighs from sliding down the stair case...thanks for encouraging that slut show
I drink more single than I do in relationships. Except with assface.
I woke up next to her boyfriend and she woke up next to mine....
This is like a fucked up game of musical chairs.
Look at you go. You're like the Slutty Librarian that Could. They should write children's books about you. Children's books for adults.
the bar didnt serve shots so jim ordered us jaeger neat. it worked.
he said "be careful" then handed me a cheezit...
You dove at him but passed out mid dive. Shame it wasnt a costume party your superman suit wouldve been clutch in the situation
Why does my car smell like burnt toast?
I take it you don't remember trying to make grilled cheese with your cigarette lighter...
it's a shower with the lights off kind of day
hurry there's a jack Daniels slip n slide and clothes are coming off faster than I can even comprehend oh thank god for autocorrect
I think every girl deserves a pregnancy scare. Because then it just feels like such a priviledge to be bleeding out of the vagina.
I legit just did a jig towards my box of tampons.
Well, he was practically tripping over his dick to get to me so I'd say my new dress was successful
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