i'm saving my butt for my wedding night
all we need is a web designer
and a bunch of prostitutes
I think you came in my ear last night and I had to pick it out infront of my kids in class today
Threesomes are so awesome. You even have company on your walk of shame :)
We had sex on the hood of my car and broke the windshield.
Took it a bit far last night. While leaving his house, I sent myself a text that said, 'you're still pretty"
Well if my looks don't work with her I'll eat the 50 nuggets to impress her fat roommate.
I'm going to need to borrow your helmet cam for my Wednesday night blackouts.
they had to hand cuff you because you wouldn't stop trying to unzip the paramedic's pants...this is why i love you
Oh fuck, I messaged a Jack Kerouac poem to a girl I'm trying to sleep with last night at 4am.
Oh, cold wet seat on the 48! Are you piss? Are you the sweaty ass leavings of an obese person? Are you the spilled King Cobra from the night before? I do not know! I dare not smell to find out... Pants ruined...
He made me watch a sex tape him and his gf made. They were in the shower when her roommate walked in on them. Not kidding: she asked to join in.
I hate him. He gets laid, my dick gets laughed at.
Drunk text the hot guy two doors down confessing my love for him.... He gave me a thank you card today.
You almost got us killed.
YOU’RE WELCOME FOR NAVIGATING YOU TO A ONCE IN A LIFETIME EXPERIENCE.
Lol. I liked you the most when we were banging random girls and trying to tag team everything. You were happier then.
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