it's taking a lot of effort to be mature and not reply to her with like a video of bestiality porn
i think i gave myself a perma-hangover. or god just hates me.
so my phone autocorrects 'retard' to 'retaaahd'. i LOVE being a masshole!
I went back up to the apartment to get her phone and when I came back she was peeing on the sidewalk
Well, as a member of the greater american southwest gay community I just have to mark this as a total loss and you will be missed.
I started making breakfast to subdue the hangover and last of the shrooms and only got as far as eating a half frozen pierogi out of a dixie cup.
You told me if you could get your shoes on, you deserved a coke and rum. We never made it to the party.
He was sucking my nipples then stopped, looked me dead in the eyes and said "im gonna cum for my babygirl"
Im glad the only reason we got out of bed today was to get Halloween candy on sale.
Yess he was literally so drunk that like at one point I'm pretty sure he thought it was hard and in when neither were true :/ haha
returning from a 6am booty call in 2 feet of snow on a Tuesday is a bold new kind of low for me
He's tiny, but ripped. Like a stacked hobbit. He's going to pull our sexy, crime-fighting rickshaw.
You know how it is. Tell me not to do somebody and suddenly I wanna.
Wearing Navy dress whites to a wedding is like having a magical panty removing device. I've never cockblocked a whole room just by existing before.
Going to the eye doctors drunk makes you feel like your doing a sobriety test! They have to know..
Randomize
