I bought a boat. Want to have sex on The Angry Clam? That's what I named it.
I was just walking down the hall and passed a very pregnant girl wearing a shirt that said "blame it on the aaaaaa-alcohol." I can't decide if she's brilliantly witty or just pointing fingers.
I hope he didn't notice that my shirt was inside out when I told him I didn't have sex with the guy. Kind of a dead giveaway.
I thought stuff was gonna go really bad after he filled the super-soaker with kerosene. but it all turned out pretty well.
She's like the Michael Jordan of alcoholism
His dick is longer than my foot and I'm a size 9. I'm literally kicking myself in the vagina
He doesn't care. He wouldn't care if my vag grew arms and smacked him in the face.
I was giving this guy head and he stopped me to look me in the eyes and say "you have a gift"
The straight guy here is hot. He described himself as Christian grey without the money and my vagina fell out of my body
We're having soft pretzels and cheese dip for dinner tonight. Like fucking adults.
don't worry about my dad. he just hates you because you're liberal, not because we're fucking.
Does your Fitbit monitor your liver failure?
On another note I never thought having a drug addicted stalker would prove useful
You know youre getting old when you I.D. the person trying to take you home to be sure they're over 25. Help me.
Intelligence report: the hot sister called you gross, the sweet sister says you're dumb, and the smart sister says all the other men she knows would have to die for her to hook up with you.
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