awkward like he asked me out for a "rest of the summer make out buddy" thing and I kind of had a female testicle retreat moment
She rubs her butt on the bed & then she growls..
sitting in class between the roommates of the two girls i fucked over break. this feels like a bad version of wife swap
It's a line of coke at 10 a.m. kind of Saturday. Don't be a pussy about life.
After walking in on us in the living room, he still insisted that he slept in my bed with me afterwards.
She used to be a real nice person. Now she's just a dick sucking machine
I don't care how stoned you are, I'm not driving to a different state for a burrito
I've got a whole match.com system. Triple book. First dates always get the 6pm happy hour drinks slot. 8pm dinner goes to a girl where I think I can close the deal. 10pm slot goes to the sure thing in case of emergency, but 6 can always trump 8 and 8 always trumps 10. Just blame it on a dead iPhone battery.
That, my friend, is how I bang 50 new girls a year. Not luck at all. It's science and statistics.
I've thrown up in front of nearly every customer we've had today.
I need to puke. I need a shower. I need rehab. I need to detox and puke. I feel like demons are inside of me.
I am playing a little game I like to call "How Quickly Can I Infuse This Vodka Into My Bloodstream Without the Use of an IV"
Two dicks, one me.
Yoga's definitely paying off.
I puked on her cat, I think I should at least buy her breakfast
My roommate randomally bought me two bags of pretzels. Worst "Sorry you can hear me fucking my boyfriend everynight" gift ever.
One of your 'guests' left her bra in the kitchen.
Dude, does it look like any of the women I bring home wear bras?
Randomize
