i threw up in his kitchen sink and then used a measuring cup to drink water because i couldn't find a clean glass. i just threw up down the stairs. it's gonna be a long walk home.
i just used google streetview to figure out where i spent the night last night
Im def. not watching the CMAs. If Kanyes not gonna be there whats the point?
I have a new fascination with cutting really small segments of hair off peoples heads when they're not looking.
it was only during my walk of shame that i realized i was wearing the exact same outfit that julia roberts wears on the dvd cover or pretty woman. prostitution is my destiny.
3rd rule of buttsex she must be clean and shower recently
and skipped dinner
She woke up laying on my kitchen floor, ketchup bottle as her pillow, in front of my fridge.
Im drunk on a hayride surrounded by toddlers. they are judging me.
by the end of the night two people were passed out at the table, three on the couches, and one in the bathroom. it looked like someone pumped sleeping gas into the middle of a dinner party.
Wearing a french maid costume for Halloween sure did help me meet girls
Dude, they all thought you were gay.
Look, all I can tell ya is I want to drink wine out of a bottle while you eat me. It would be the most fantastic end to finals week. Maybe ever.
my make-up looks really good tonight. I swear it had nothing to do with me finishing all of your strawberry vodka.
Well, I made it all the way to the gas station. And from there, I begged a cab driver who was parked outside, to give me a piggy back ride the final 2 blocks to my apartment. I wasn't in the cab. Didn't have to pay. Drunk me is smart, and very lazy.
Dude. She was wearing nothing but Wonder Woman panties and a flag for a cape and sneaking around leaving PBR's by passed out people for the morning. She called herself the 'Merica Fairy.
Why haven't you proposed already?
I left you a really long drunk voicemail and I remember something about a bat
Randomize