he was wearing 3D glasses the whole time.
As soon as the judge read that I rear ended the car from getting roadhead he chuckled. You know he's been there before.
things I have learned from cosmo today- 40% of guys are uncircumsized, you can have a beer facial, and i really need to get tested for std's
my purse only fit my wallet or the martini shaker. it wasnt even a question of which i was bringing.
In retrospect pumpkin carving while drinking Patron was a bad idea.
When I told her that her boyfriend was making out with another chick, all she said was "which one"
After he called me a "spirited little girl" I realized that I need to stop sleeping with guys more than ten years older than me.
I just heard my parents fuck. What. The. Fuck. My rooms right under theirs.. My dad barely even lasted a minute. Im almost ashamed..
Just checked my voicemails on the work phone on speaker. Thank you so much for the one of you screaming "COME FUCK ME NOWWWW!" my boss loved it ..
Hey, what did you end up doing with those ski goggles?
Anything is possible. I didn't even know I was wearing the toilet cover as a hat
She wanted me to stick my dick in the birthday cake she got me
My mom just asked if I've gotten any girls pregnant how is your day going
At some point the phrase "I've hit rock bottom" stopped having a meaning and became my general state of life
I legit just quacked out loud at a duck on campus. Realized after that there were people around me, they looked at me funny...
whoever decided snowing in 90 percent of campus on a night when the streets are flowing with tequila and skittles was clearly not an R.A.
Randomize
