the guy I was hooking up with asked me if he could wear a guerilla suit during sex.
He drunk dialed T-Mobile at 3am and talked to them for 45 minutes and got his phone bill lowered from $80 to $60... Best drunk dial ever.
The night took a downhill turn when he started using a butter knife as a spoon to drink his cosmo
I'd love to sympathize with you but I'm drunk in a mansion
I'm really proud of myself for not blacking out yet this weekend!
It's a Thursday.
She was moaning so loud as i walked out of the room her roommates gave me a standing ovation... i think they are next
She's wearing her dead grandmother's pearl on the married finger so no guys "bother her" tonight... I am not THAT committed to Girl's Night.
It's really funny to see the look on the sales lady's face when she asks why you're replacing a painting. "I knocked it off the wall during sex w/ my heels," wasn't what she expected.
A milkman. But instead of milk I'm delivering marijuana. And instead of a milk truck it's an armored car.
You're a weed delivery man, in an armored car?
I Have a huge scrape on my knee and I need a better excuse than dry humping on a park bench...
She put a shot in my mouth and then hit me with a pillow..
I think I'm going to call this chapter of my life story "Weekday day-drinking in the park isn't just for the homeless!"
There's a stripper getting there at 10 though so hopefully I'm out before the stripper gets there. I don't have time to deal with a stripper.
This is my second month of college and all I've learned is how to get a guy to go down on me without asking out loud and not to chase everclear with Smirnoff ice.
Essential life skills
My life just got so pathetic that I volunteered to work a double on my day off because its saturday and I have nothing else planned
Randomize
