I just got a ticket for shitting on a sand dune.
It may be that your sole purpose in life is simply to serve as a warning to others..
Opened my wallet to find a slice of ham with a phone number written on it in sharpie.
I seem to remember you being very disappointed that drinking Michelob Ultra didn't give you magic powers.
Showering in my swimsuit in hopes of getting the beer smell out.
I spent the whole weekend building houses out of popsicle sticks for my bowls. How was your weekend?
She just locked herself in the bedroom with an unopened bottle of wine and a steak knife. Unfortunately for her fingers, I stopped giving a fuck two hours ago.
Would I waste your time for mediocre porn?
answer my text you professional douchebag
and i mean that in the cutest, flirtiest way possible
she was puking nonstop out of the car window in the rain during our hour long drive back, we got lot of honks
We were getting breakfast he shit himself in the middle of ihop. Mid bite he just yells out o fuck.
You stared at a Swedish dude for like 5 minutes then asked him "shouldn't you be yelling at dragons"
Just walked outside my house; realized I wasn't wearing any pants after about 3 minutes or so.
Drunk, high, hungover?
...I wish I had an excuse.
looked it up online and zoo tickets are only 20 bucks and there's also a museum of science close to the hotel.
i'm not going to a FUCKING museum. i want to be wasted and possibly double penetrated... have you EVER been on vacation?
So... my daughter's new girlfriend Is the daughter of the girl I dated on and off in college Who ran away because she got pregnant at my house party. My Legitimate daughter Is probably fucking my Illegitimate daughter...
Randomize
