I found your undies. They were wrapped around my leg.
A homeless man in dtwn SF was blasting lil wayne and singing at the top of his lungs. I kinda wanted to give him my life savings
Please stop sending me picture messages of your shit. Seriously. I don't care if it looks like popcorn chicken.
I've got to stop making out with the guys and sharing drinks with you. I'm the reason we all get sick at the same time. Sorry.
im sorry for trying to flush a roll of toilet paper down with my puke. probably not great for your toilet
You told them to let you give him stitches claiming you were a certified nurse because you've taken plant biology classes
I'm still waiting for my blazer that I left at your apartment, you owe me a blowjob for every day from Thursday on that it's late.
I'm trying to have a "pick me up from my house so I can get completely annihilated night" any takers? Cmon people this is what friends are for
Chipotle just hit me... I want to go sit in the corner of the shower and cry until morning.
There are days when you go to throw something in your bedroom trash can and realize the only things in there are a used condom, a Lime-arita can and a muffin wrapper.
He also has scotch. LOTS AND LOTS of scotch. I think you'd like him!
That is always a wonderful personality trait!
In the liquor store when a straight girl and a gay guy were just arguing about who hooked up with the same guy first.
You should feel special! You're also the only person I've ever punched during sex
I still can't believe I was army crawling thru his backyard at 2am..
I was grinding on my boss last night. So Monday will be fun. That's what's going on in my life right now.
Randomize
