Did you know Kal Penn works at the white house? That's almost white castle.
so he tried to quietly tell me my Tampon String was hanging out in front of his family but i didn't hear him so he yelled it
Just took a celebratory "i havent slept with anyone in this bar" shot. yesssss....
I smell like fire and strippers. Successful sunday funday.
A girl pulled up next to me at a stoplight just now, looked around for a second, and then changed her top, bra and all, before the light turned green. New. Hero.
Besides asking our teacher if he enjoyed being fisted did I have any other tragic moments last night?
I can always tell I missed tequila night based on the hickeys on your neck man. Fucking call me.
I had 800 mg of ibuprofen 2 b vitamins and I'm pounding water like I'm trying to win a hazing
Youre the drunk baby that everyone wants to take care of.
We had 15 min before last call. Exact quote "let's see how drunk we can get."
if masturbating while stoned isn't called "weed whacking" then i just don't know how to live my life anymore
i only stock magnum condoms so if the guy i bring home doesn't fit in them he only gets to eat me out. no exceptions.
FIND ME A DICK TO RIDE THAT HOPEFULLY IS ATTACHED TO A CUTE PERSON AND NICE PERSONALITY
CHALLENGE ACCEPTED. Is it okay if I only get 2 out of 3?
The D is nonnegotable.
I'm thinking my boss switched to all cordless keyboards and mouses so that none of us would hang ourselves in the office.
Apparently, im the only one in the world who thinks Larry King is hot.
Randomize
