hey, what are you doing? my roommates are gone for the night... you should come over ;)
nah, i'm gonna grab some food
good call on bringing her. it's always good to invite chicks who mix booze and prescription drugs.
If she wasn't my friend I'd think she was a huge slut
When that rick ross song came on he started ripping up dollar bills and pouring out drinks on the floor. I'm all for ignorance but it was a little excessive for a wedding
Apparently he took me home and I pulled up my senior pictures on fbook and made him guess what I was thinking during each different pose.
He told me to come in and have some water before I drove home, my vagina didn't stand a chance escaping. We didn't even make it to the kitchen.
You sat on a wall pretending to be a gargoyle before shouting "batman!" and jumping at me
I'm the drunk Des Moines deserves, but not the one it needs
She's opening her family birthday cards at the bar. So we can pay our tab. Bitches wrote checks :(
he had a beard, sexy nerd glasses and kept referring to his penis as 'this dick' its like jesus was saving my perfect match for my prime
It is a bad day indeed when you learn that your boy toy looks better in your dresses than you do
party tonight. bring as many traffic cones as you can find. we need to section off the blackout drunks way better this time
You took motorboating me in public to a whole new level. You poured your beer down my top and LAPPED IT UP.
I told him to take the baby so I could work out. My workout consisted of getting high and masturbating
Did anyone see us fucking last night on the giant turtle outside downtown Disney?
Quit bitching. I brought you a muffin.
Randomize
