Awww my brother is growing up soo fast!! He just gave me the, "I know you're high but I won't tell mom n dad" look!
he ate 15 dinner rolls and nothing else. then took a shit in the bathroom came out and blamed it on his dad. i wish i was 8.
i don't know what the guinness world record is for longest time eating nothing but skittles but i'm going on six days
I think I'd do Clint Eastwood.
...kinda gettin a major gay vibe from you right now.
That was a text you sent me last night.
Weekdays seemed more exciting when I had a drinking problem. Like I had something to look forward to at night.
Screw it. I'll show up in a white dress with a sign that says " I fucked the groom and it wasn't that great."
Warning: at some point today you will probably see several pics of me 69-ing a blow up turtle show up on facebook. Just disregard them.
Too bad they don't have an emoji symbol for condoms and 99 cent tacos
So I'm drinking wine and watching Thumbelina
I'm teaching my cat to play fetch
Yep, it's a friday
No he exists. Who else tells me no matter how drunk I am to pull out. He's watching over me so my bastard doesn't get created.
I need to beat up a magician now. BRB.
Hope I didn't wake u up but I woke up and there is a shirt, boxers, belt and jeans on my balcony, along with a naked guy who claimed to scale the building
The guy who just got ate on True Blood had the same balls as you.
I received a text promising me sex if I drove to Memphis this weekend. Too bad for my penis that we're watching zombie movies and playing cards.
Some guy at the bar last night bought us Arrowhead water and I was so drunk, it tasted good
Randomize
