What was that guy's name that you dated that wore the leotard?
Ok I love you more. To infumty and beyong.
I just saw how many times I called you last night. You're welcome.
the whole time he was cumming, he did the joey lawrence WHOA. over and over. WHOA. WHOA. WHOA. WHOA.
Are we still dressing up as garden gnomes for halloween?
No. I would like to get laid again before I graduate.
I just found all of my Mary-Kate and Ashley movies. Can you say drinking game?
If I can't get a one-legged man to love me, what the hell chance do I have with a NORMAL guy???
you know it's the perfect hook up when you don't have any friends in common with his girlfriend on facebook.
It's not quite a landing strip... It's more like a soul patch for my vagina.
It is way too early in the summer for me to be coming into work still drunk.
Having vodka and cokes for lunch at work today because absolutely ZERO fucks are being given.
Woke up this morning naked, wrapped in a bath mat with a wad of singles on the table. I'm calling it a win.
I have a pair of clean panties in my purse. This is having your life together.
Wearing Navy dress whites to a wedding is like having a magical panty removing device. I've never cockblocked a whole room just by existing before.
I don't want to go to sleep. I like partying with myself.
Randomize
