My mom found a condom in my purse
Correction: my mom found a used condom in my purse.
she told me her fantasy was her as a 55 year old cook at a truck stop who smokes a pack a day, and I was the 21 year old illegal immigarnt prep cook.
Why do guys in porn never have boxers on?
better question: why do you always text me when you're watching porn
My face smells like vagina and Im on my way to court. Fuck.
There is a girl on the metro with no shoes and she's using a Crown Royal bag as a purse.
She crushed my hand with the box spring last time, so it's all good.
It wasn't until like 4 and when we got off the phone you said god was summoning you back into the bar
You just sent me a picture of a federal crime. Like. You don't give a fuck.
You were chugging tap water out of a running blender screaming "bubbles is Perrier mother fucker"
My boss just lit a candle and said a prayer to get laid tonight ..
I just put on underwear fresh outta the dryer and it's like tiny Angels are giving them warm supportive hugs all over
Can't be like "hey can you elaborate on this three year old tweet" can I?
yeah true but how easily can you rip a scrotum
Kinda thinking about going to my moms wedding high
i have officially smoked myself stupid. went to wally world to buy soap and toothpaste but got 4 potpies and 2 dessert pies instead. fail.
Randomize
