I just had to explain to the pharmacy cashier that the Plan B and thank you notes I was buying were not related.
I love how you send me nude pics of girls you're fucking and name them by which city they're in instead of their name. "This is Nashville, this is Tupelo, this is Jackson..."
I'm so bored, I can only pretend that this truck is a spaceship for so long.
the first call I got in the morning was from visa fraud prevention so yeah it was one of those nights
His birthday is on fathers day. I know its a cruel coincedence but this is too funny to pass up.
she was wide awake when they drew a treasure map on her face the she passed out and they played like 7 games of tic tac toe haaa how was your new years
Ethically speaking on a scale from 1 to morally wrong, how wrong would it be to give babies ambien? Hypothetically speaking.
remember.. you're not a homewrecker.. you're just creating options for him..
It probably isn't a good idea to go home with last night's hookup's brother. And sister.
Probably is probably an understatement.
They switched jackets and you didn't notice. You made out with both of them and had no idea
I just want to fall into a pit of xannies and eat my way out.
Hello my rib-scented angel!
I don't need inspirational quotes. If I'm going to be motivated, it will be by anger and spite.
So woke up naked and found my clothes from last night in my kitchen with a half eaten quesadilla
Girl in front of me just swan dove into the middle of the carpeted hallway, stood up, clapped for herself, and then continued walking. My life is complete.
Randomize
