I really hope your girlfriend didnt have your phone while i texted how much i loved doing it in HER car with you :x
foreplay: 7 minutes. sex: 3 minutes. cuddling: 10 minutes. getting dressed: 5 minutes. commute: 5 minutes.
Kay wants to put chicklets in our cooters to make beavers and take pix captioned Got Wood? Taking public transit does scary things to her.
How come I'm the only one who's around when people show up? I had just taken a shit, I wasn't wearing pants, phantom of the opera was playing and the fridge said PENIS.
Remember when I was so high that I thought my appendix burst? All I had to do was fart man, just fart.
If i need to get strippers involved i will.
To this day, he introduces me as "the girl I met climbing trees at 3 A.M."
I want her autograph on my taint
What wine did you feed Jack? Might not want to waste the good stuff on kitties. Kitties only get box wine.
I feel like we need a drunken piñata bash with your face being the piñata and my hopes and dreams being the stick
Everyone should know the rule that if your dicks touch during a threeway you just make lightsaber noises and move on.
I tried to prevent a bar fight. By convincing a guy whacked out on Molly to slap the ass of everyone who was arguing and shout "WOO" each time. I'm proud, surprised, and intrigued that it calmed everyone down so quickly...
I went to the strip club tonight. I had never gone, and in a panic I gave the dancer giving me a lap dance a handshake and introduced myself. Redefines business casual.
Yeah you were fine except for when you peed under the bar
I accidentally made jungle juice last night.
Randomize
