My friend's 9-year-old son just informed me that for a cop station, you can't use a shotgun; you have to use a machine gun. Thank you, Grand Theft Auto, for single-handedly corrupting our youth.
your cum blends into my yellow sheets :/
can't wait for January to be Over so I don't have to see all the fat resolutionists working out.
Julian told me all the fish in his pond died and he didn't know when or how. I didn't have the heart to tell him he drunkenly peed in the pond on Saturday as everyone cheered him on.
I learned the names of so many hookups when they read them at graduation
You threw a bottle at the bartender and then stole his tip jar. However, you were quickly KO'd by the bartender. Solid right hook.
I like literally had a visual image of his penis going into your soul
The woman that sang I Touch Myself died today. There's only one appropriate way to honor her memory.
I'm on the job.
You really could become the cat lady we've always dreamed of.
My mom just asked if I've gotten any girls pregnant how is your day going
A good example of deductive reasoning: Knowing that when my girlfriend texts me "I promise not to smoke all your weed!" that she is...at that VERY moment...Smoking All Of My Weed.
He only has one ball. it was like fucking a cyclops.
I may or may not have been feeling patriotic and banged Captain America in a closet. SPOILER ALERT: We broke his shield
Watching South Park, doing sit-ups and drinking tequila. In other words, my night is going pretty good.
Anyone who does not know who Paul McCartney is does NOT get to put hands in my pants
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