Her vagina felt like a horse was eating an apple out of my hand..
Before I left in the morning I deleted her purity ring app off her iPod, I figured it would save her the shame
Can you call him, he said something about going to the balcony to pee and now hes texting me saying hes lost
As he was under the stripper backwards, he yelled "we should totally be facebook friends"
I need a leash, or some shame. Maybe.
Nypd just made jon and hayes chug their forties.
Passing out on a toilet is not classy no matter what you're wearing. Not even a pea coat.
if i had known the extra weight would have gone to my tits, i would have started drinking years ago
Everything was cool till you started pissing while standing at the bar
Some old bald man is a 100,000 dollar Audi sports car just revved his engine at me and held out his phone at me trying to get my number. I hate the valley.
I told the person I was on the phone with to hold on while I looked for my phone. I think it's time to stop doing dabs.
I just wanna get drunk in a castle. Is that so much to ask?
Between randomly bursting into tears and the reappearance of my lost sex drive, this break up has left me bizarrely damp.
YOUR STATE IS STUPID
Did you miss a turn again?
WHAT FUCKING IDIOT DECIDED TO DESIGN AN ENTIRE FUCKING STATE WHERE YOU CAN'T MAKE A FUCKING LEFT TURN?!? FUCK NEW JERSEY
you better come over.. I need a witness to help prove the couch talks to me
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