The girl I brought home was really impressed with the pile of blow you were doing while watching "Intervention."
I just saw a hobo shake a payphone until it spat out a bunch of quarters. what a champ.
Just walked by a guy on campus YELLING 'Im still hammered'
I need to stop sleeping with republicans and cowboys fans.
Do you remember unrolling paper towels as a blanket?
Threesome in a minivan. New low
She looked at me and said "i like penises." and then passed out with her condom balloon animal in her hands.
She made me be the little spoon then she pretended to be a jet pack for an hour straight
All I know is you walked out of the kitchen in some kind of French onion dip bra and started passing out individual chips to guys saying " do you dip?"
he's singing something in russian and knocking over my plants with his dick, get his drunk ass out of my apartment
HE STUCK IT IN THE FISHBOWL WTF
For future reference. Do not congratulate the bar tender at oscars she is not pregnant she has just gotten fat u will get a shot thrown in your face
10/10 would definitely still fuck you dressed as squirrel
Can't. I'm doing shots with my mom.
I just brought her a lipstick taser. So just remember that the next time you get smart with her
He grabbed at it like it was a stress ball or something. It's a boob, not a grapefruit. The fuck.
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