guess who was drunk and crawling in the middle of the road and got brought home by the police last night? HINT: ME
you cant keep talent like that locked up in a relationship
they call him Oral-B. enough said
Dad just showed up on someone else's golf cart, filled an ice chest with booze and left while yelling "SHINANIGANS!!!!" this is going no where fast.
The spark has left our relationship. i used to make slightly inflammatory jokes at you. you would retaliate in jest. look at this. look at what is happening here.
No sex in the champagne room. The champagne room being my life
I think there's an ice cream truck out back, but there's no way I can get pants on in time to catch it
Also the girl beside me smells like she's been in a deep fryer.
I woke up on some strangers couch covered in salad mix and oatmeal cream pies. The struggle is absolutely real.
I will be wearing a suit out more cuz it has been decided i rage harder with a power tie
What do I have to do?! Spell it out for him? Why can't he just plow me and pull my hair at the same time
You are my new hero
What happened lastnight it looks like I had sex with edward scissor hands....my back is so messed up
my bad i broke a mirror over your back
He made a group chat with him, his wife, & I. Is this really life!??
I’m really upset they canceled the conference. Since the divorce I’ve been working out, I bought cute new outfits and even found a bikini I liked. Now it’s all online. You can’t get laid at a webinar
We’ve got a propane heater on our back porch if you want to come over and eat a McRib in peace
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