the couple across the street's about to bang. go get the popcorn and come join us.
Come in. Grab a controller and a beer. We've got some Madden to beat.
You're the best girlfriend ever.
you kept spraying the cat with water and then telling it to "man up" when it cried
That's your penis' name. I've always referred to it as Alejandro secretly.
They're putting plan B in vending machines now. My life just got so much easier.
Just explain how I got from the bar to a house I've never been in, waking up to a cop in uniform ripping a bong
Hey could you buy me 2 bottles of arbor mist? I'm trying to get laid tonight
The best part of that night wasn't even the sex, it was listening to her explain to her boyfriend why she was naked in her room while I hid in her closet.
Well be careful man. Be careful. Wear shoes in the house. Safety. Safety first, then teamwork.
I'm drinking and working out! I'm bench pressing the beer pong table and doing push ups and lifting the chair.
Side note, from now on any snap chat I get that isn't interesting enough... Is getting a dick in response. Judge your snaps accordingly
Why am I not blowing coke off your ass at my apartment?
We smoked a blunt in a stall where a drag queen was fucking a bartender in the ass. So theres gonna be a second date :)
I SWEAR TO GOD IF SHE FUCKS WITH OUR GOLD GENE POOL
I seriously feel like I just crawled out from under a shit covered rock. I'm NEVER drinking like that again...well, not for alteast a solid 3 hours.
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