We ran out of toilet paper the last week, so we just took showers to pee
She told me my dick looked like a baby seal wrapped in a sleeping bag.
Solid teamwork gives us a good shout of both bringing home trophy cougs
I talk a lot when I drink rum. he was going down on me and i was telling him how i wished i could tap dance. oh god
I told him I felt we were at the point where if I saw him talking to another girl, I'd probably choke him out. So I guess you could say things are getting serious.
My doctor actually said I was suffering from an "acute hangover" in doctor's note I asked him for....what a douche
Hi you snuggled with me in my bed in a maid outfit
Dude, I work in two hours. Unless you can find Chris Hemsworth and convince him to have a three-way with us, I'm not getting out of bed.
I appreciate your acceptance of my lack of morals
Sarah was butt-chugging wine and diarrhea'd all over the wall
I think I met my butt stuff soulmate
Drunk you wants to be petty, not you you.
Well I just woke up to no pants, Gatorade on the headboard along with an uneaten steak, and the instinct I was a giant asshole.
My mom found me this morning passed out, face down on my dinning room floor
That must have been one awkward situation haha
Well I woke up in my bed.... I don't remember her finding me
Thinking and hoping ice cream is the answer to my problems
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