yeah my mom told me she knows when i come home high because i use my turn signal while turning into the driveway...
kinda considering buying a life alert for sophmore year
She's trying to feed the TV fried rice and screaming "FRIED RICE AND TEARS". Please bring me more booze.
His fucking was so lame I considered painting my nails during...
I petted my head, told my hair it felt beautiful and needed to be let free. Then pulled out my pony tail. Cheers to weed. I lose.
She's popping painkillers like they're tic tacs and singing the soundtrack to dreamgirls. It's you're turn to babysit her.
I'm a busy girl. All I wanted was noncommittal sex a few times a week
I just finished a four mile round trip walk to CVS to buy shaving cream and lube. You're welcome.
Regardless of your intentions, deep throating a Twinkie is NOT sexy. You owe that poor cashier an apology the next time you pump gas.
I was behind him snuggling, I told him I was the big spoon and he told me I was too little it was more like he was wearing a backpack.
That awkward moment when you are on your way to ICU and the only sympathy gift you can think of is beer and whiskey
She was blowing me like a porn star and all I could think was "you just told me your grandfather is dying in hospice right now"
I missed you last night. I'm sure he will never forget the night i sang my heart will go on into his penis like a microphone
A cop may or may not have seen my bare ass against the moonlight within the past hour
I peed on his bed and he still likes me. #keeper
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