i know we're in college but you cant booty call me at 3 in the afternoon. i dont care how drunk you are.
Whoever said drinking more helps a hangover didn't drink 96% of a fifth of whiskey last night. This is absurd.
you refused to leave the drive-thru at mcdonalds until the cashier took a jello shot
I just washed champagne and tuna off my body. I feel like that was a successful shower.
God you better not be texting me after just having sex with someone from craigslist
I won't go into too much detail about this but you should probably wash your sheets. In bleach. Or just burn them. Thanks for letting me sleep in your bed bro. Enjoy scotland.
Did you see the video of me eating a marshmellow on fire?
The sound of my own breathing is making my head throb. That hungover.
There is nothing quite so pathetic as sitting in bed in your underwear eating easy mac in complete silence, waiting for Netflix to load
This is a whole new generation of premature ejaculators
Like the friend zone has no room for winks
I didn't think I was even that high but when we were standing in the cop car's headlights I totally forgot how to use my arms
Jager makes that raccoon appear... The one that shits in a basket in my living room.
He was telling me about how he's leaving on his Mission next week... While we were having sex in the back of his car.
A good example of deductive reasoning: Knowing that when my girlfriend texts me "I promise not to smoke all your weed!" that she is...at that VERY moment...Smoking All Of My Weed.
Randomize
