I just woke up to a lawnchair covered in lipstick. I'm wearing red lipstick. What happened and is the tequila?
I want your puppy
I meant pussy
I would rather you take my puppy
How'd it feel making her break her religion?
It's official. Every guy I've slept with has been to jail.
Judging by the grocery store, everyone stocked up on frozen pizza and beer for the blizzard. If our generation ever faces doomsday, we'll go out smiling.
Long labias. Talking about. Too drunk to explain. Tomorrow.
she made sit in a corner, drink nothing but water and told me she was worried about me because i picked up an irish guy at a taxi rank. says the girl who invented tequila night and fucked a guy in a park across the street from a sweet sixteenth.
It doesn't matter how many times you look in your purse, Your keys are not going to be there. Maybe you left them at the bar.
Maybe they fell out of my pocket last night when I rolled down the hill.
She just texted me that she's horny, then started quoted random music, then telling me everything she regrets. I don't think there's enough tequila in the world for me to deal with her...
so apparently last weekend we taught the mascot how to shotgun beers. am i winning college yet?
I added a U.S. Senator on snapchat....casual.
Well the streak is over, I saw a penis today
Hey what are you up to?
I am wear the people with the mustaches live. I have found their home.
DUDE, WE BOUGHT THE ACID TOGETHER.
Our sex from this weekend should be engraved into a plaque or commemorated somehow. It was fucking amazing.
Let me atleast have my coffee before you start talking about your penis
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