I woke up in a stranger's bathtub with a broken shower curtain as my blanket.
update: the house isnt on fire anymore, but he is still pissing on all your stuff.
the house was on fire??
shit I thought I told you.
He told me he looked up all the foods that make cum taste better and he put it all on his moms shopping list. she came through my line. this ones a keeper I think.
no.. I went home. Puking up hot dogs and lemon tart isn't as lovely as it sounds.
Those are some awfully high standards for someone of your weight
im just gonna turn drinking alone on new years into a tradition
Just got arrested at PF changs. Happy New year, China
You stole my camera, took a picture of yourself and said "that's beautiful, just as beautiful as our waitress".
currently taking a solo cab to the strip club at 1 in the morning. this is healthy.
It's not even 6 am and I've already told my mom to fuck herself in the face
That's why my New Years resolution was no more blondes. They're all bad news
Is it rude to send him a, "happy birthday, I hope you finally get an STD" text?
The usual, icing my vag with a chimichanga.
she wouldnt leave because they were playing One Direction. I'm dating a thirteen year old.
She’s the kind of asshole whose face I want to put on a T-shirt just so I can go outside and burn it.
Randomize
