I found your dream girl. She looked 11 but drove and on her key chain it said "if i am not wasted the day is"
I would rather wake up to a truck driver than wake up to her
He just said he wasn't going to drink on Saturday because he was drinking on Thursday and Friday...we need new friends.
my fake id says im a 34 yr old russian lady ... how is this working
She's walking around topless with a bottle of red wine, crying and singing showtune ballads. This is actually an improvement.
Our house almost burnt down last night. I woke up at 4:10am to the smoke alarm going off bc the bean bag chair was on fire so i extinguished it and smoked a bowl at 4:20 to celebrate my fire extinguishing abilities
Well I was kicked out of the bar and woke up on a picnic table. I'd say the night was awesome!
Yeah. That's the shitty part. God, I don't want to be a step mom. Sure I'm great with kids, but I just want unlimited sex and not have to worry about making friends with a fucking 7 year old.
When did i become the Rickety Cricket of my own life?
im drinking out of a pineapple, so yea.
I hate how she's getting mean with age
Meh, you can't hate. That's our basic life goal and you know it.
I legit just swiped right with a Tinder feminist just to get in an argument with her. Soo that's my Friday night so far...
I would ride that face into the sunset
I was just giving a mobile app demo to a client, on my iPhone, when a reminder alert appeared across the page blinking "12pm: go home and give John head". You're an asshole
Hahaha oops.
You don't make any sense
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