Coffee is gods way of saying go ahead, get absolutly trashed on weeknights, I got your back
So I ate yogurt with the back of my toothbrush. I feel like I've officially been initiated into college.
What's the point of having 3 fuck buddies when their periods all seem to sync up
Hurry there's a dancing lesbian. She's a jumper and has impeccable jazz hands.
Well he told me I'd never be a wizard, and so I responded with you'll never have a big penis. After that we both just sat there and cried.
Just woke up, shitty hungover, and realized that every article of clothing I slept in was backwards, bra included. Fuck you, gin. Fuck you.
So doing the math I dated almost 2 of me in penises. Like, if I you layed them out lengthwise it would be 2 times my height.
I'm in my bed. Snow angles in fresh sheets. don't even try to get me out tonight.
You mistakenly try to piss in a cactus bush ONE TIME and are forever dubbed cactus ass
So I got this new job… ever been fucked in a corner office before?
Fyi, shaking your genitals at me doesn't count as "trying to have sex".
Just puked in a cup. Poured it out the window.
Pretty sure one of my drivers stopped to get laid while he was delivering a pizza. Is it appropriate to give him a write-up AND a high-five?
I pretty much just wake up, masturbate at least twice, and go to the beach. #Unemployed. I do look for jobs in between all that tho.
Tonight I'm getting fucked up for America because Lord knows we need it.
Randomize
