Dan is more possessive of me than a Michael Jackson is of McCully Caulkin
was*
True, R.I.P.
You went to church with your boobs hanging out?
Theyr'e a gift from god, I figured I should show him i'm using them well.
Just heard the garage door open and I immediately sprinted to the laptop to erase history, even though I haven't watched porn today...I believe Pavlov now.
I don't remember what happened but judging from the contents of my pockets it had something to do with potatoes and glo in the dark condoms
She's drinking vodka out of a windex bottle. She is spraying it in her mouth and at strangers.
I was all over the place but at every locale you would pop out of nowhere and hand me a huge drink and say "HAMMERED"
I am the fairy godmother of the drink.
NO I FORBID YOU. THERE ARE BETTER VIRGINITIES OUT THERE WORTH KIDNAPPING.
I gave him head in my cape. On the kitchen floor. Watching a show about bacon.
I have a gyno appt today. I hate it when the Army gets involved with my vagina.
i just wrote an ode to an enchilada dorito. i'll need that pregnancy test now please.
Remember that time you bought snap bracelets on Amazon and they sent you 300 pregnancy tests instead? Amazon knows.
I love you. We're gonna celebrate your 21st by putting people in duct tape bikinis and pushing them down tequila slip and slides
You had a hat of bras. Probably a good dozen, which is totally impressive for a Thirsty Thursday
A sexy devil squat down and peed in front of Tom Hanks from Castaway.
I told him we could fuck whenever was concurrent for both of us
Randomize
