In a world where you don't want your phone to pocket dial your parents at 2 in the morning while you're running around Florida shitfaced, Droid does.
You're always adorable, but when you're drunk, you're like Chia Pet adorable.
I'm standing in line at the liquor store and they're making popcorn.
Your two fuck buddies playing ping pong together. HOW. ADORABLE!
Oh I forgot to tell you that while you were in the bathroom last night I made friends with a gay man named Rodger from Venezuela and he kissed me cheek and told me I "knew how to shake my thing". From now on we go to the bathroom as a team.
oh wow I have been there. Hell one time Matt and I woke up naked with pizza rolls in the bed.
Dude it's huge. I don't usually like looking at those things, but you're kind of forced to stare that horse in the face.
Dude too much vodka. I think I just puked up my heart
That's what you get for taking that guy home. The god of sluttiness is frowning upon you.
You put me in such a good mood with that road head, I bought everyone at Hooters donuts.
Came home from this girls horse at 6am to find a guy lighting off roman candles in front of my door. Best walk of fame I've ever had.
Don't worry, I'm sure your thrusting skills are on point.
I think the blind guy i flirt with on a regular basis is starting to realize he's old enough to be my father. I can't tell if he's into it or not.
I only get hit on by people going through their midlife crisis. Yes, I did purposely write that gender neutral.
I just feel weird about accepting their wedding invite when I've got a post-engagement video on my phone of him jacking off in my bathroom.
you've already made the comitment to pee in public you should at least whip your dick out
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