I*** M*****, this is your dignity texting you. I ditched you when you started hitting on bros and old sailor men last night. My friend Sarah has pictures to prove it.
I hid 4 bags of cocaine in your house. Have fun finding them
I wasn't trying to make you feel bad, I just agreed with you that your life does suck.
I woke up and my clothes were soaked in the shower and I was wearing a Ghostbusters uniform. I'm shocked she hasn't left me yet.
I kept grabbing at Stephanie's boobs because I thought the leopard spots on her dress were popcorn.
your dad made us margaritas and breakfast on the morning. I think it's safe to say he relives his glory days through us
she wouldn't play beer pong with me unless I took off the rollerskates.
I have reverted to folding laundry while watching porn. how much sadder can my life get?
BABIES FOR EVERYONE. I'd be like Oprah except with babies
And then, I saw the prophecy come to fruition. It was the Dick of Destiny.
I was so drugged up it was amazing, I felt like a dinosaur "because I enjoyed spinach, and I got apple juice and only dinosaurs get apple juice" according to me the day of, and last night I felt like a rocket ship
Hey, you can't rush the perfect creeper shot. I need buffer time to hone my skills.
Is it unethical to trim my bush hair with the scissors from my office?
Bitch how dare you drink my dos equis
Do you have any idea how awkward it was to type ‘dog twerking’ into google search? Because I don’t think you do.
Randomize
