me texting you is like we have secret walkie talkies.
just ask for directions from a guy with a penis drawn on his window
headbutted the bartender, tried to bite the bouncer, and pissed on a cops shoes. and i still got laid. god, it's good to be home
Drunk roommate walked in on us and asked if we wanted to go eat a sandwich with her in the bathroom.
I just watched nsync videos for the past half hour and you could totally tell lance bass was gay in all of them
the arrest was probably divine intervention, cause i think we were heading to an ill-advised threesome.
She makes margaritas with lemon-lime 5 hour energy..thats brilliant
and you were wondering how she got into Harvard
NO MAKING MOLDS OF ANYONES GENITALS
Fine. Suck all the fun out of life.
I've made a single handle of rum last like three weeks and my mom hasn't even acknowledged it.
After tacos, we're chasing women.
There is a pool of ranch salad dressing in my purse...I know thats always been something you've wanted to try..so don't even act like you didn't do this.
i just woke up, first off why is there pineapple everywhere and who's underwear is on my ceiling fan ?
You almost got us killed.
YOU’RE WELCOME FOR NAVIGATING YOU TO A ONCE IN A LIFETIME EXPERIENCE.
I am so so sorry I bit your butt last night. Twice.
Did I honestly think it was a good idea to wear my pink robe out in public at 2 in the morning ?
Randomize
