WOAH SHIT! That wasn't my girlfriend last night.
and in the morning, while we were eating breakfast, she was all " i think someone sneezed into my shirt..." she'll never know.
Thursdays are my worst days
but now we sippin champagne when we thirstay?
She was Ugg boots AND a Bumpit. Of course I didn't sleep with her.
i really should have bought real food rather than condoms, olives, coleslaw and beer...
Well the pizza delivery man was either startled or incredibly intrigued to see me skateboarding in the living room by myself at 1 in the morning in ripped pantyhose
They don't allow McDonald's in the ER. Go figure
I'll be there. With Doritos and whisky. Don't expect much more.
Get the cougar, get the cougar, get the cougar. Act like an injured baby deer. She will either eat you alive or nurse you back to health either way its still sex.
You forget how awesome toilet paper is until you have to wipe your ass with a piece of notebook paper...
You realize that if you get murdered while we're talking, I'm gonna have to explain to your next of kin why the last thing on your phone is a picture of my boobs.
If you think hives from an allergic reaction to lube is funny, remind me to tell you the story about how I got a black eye from masturbating.
If I'm going to keep blacking out this much I need to start taking more pictures.
Afternoon delight is playing while I take a shit at mcdonalds
You got naked in his car? Or the koala suit was in his car? One of those sounds a lot less slutty than the other......
Randomize
