i feel like i'm waiting in line to date brett michaels
i have no concept of time, i feel my nose, and im seeing everything in bitty hexagons.
I'm thinking we can stop tracking my sex life by the hotels I've hooked up in and instead use bar bathrooms I've gotten head in.
I'm going to look like a jackass in the Mexican newspaper tomorrow.
He woke up in the ambulance thinking he was still in the club.
When they arrested me, they gave me a bracelet with my mugshot and info. When you get one they can be our BFF Bracelets.
Oh shit I just realized the ropes are still tied to the bedposts
Ok now a guy in a winnie the pooh costume is grinding on some chick to the song shots
Grandpa got a dui while riding a horse. This is what I need to live up to.
It's whatever. I just want to see his dick again
Sex followed by chicken and waffles... Hands down my favorite morning plans. Count me in.
Meeting him up for him to pay half of the Plan B was awkward but worth it cause I'm broke as fuck
i'm in a very strange mood rn i'm listening to bruno mars??? am i ok????
Pray for me.. I'm like the lonely vagina in a sea of sworming dicks
I'm really sorry I called you a "smug, arrogant, boyfriend-fucking piece of defecation". I was super drunk.
I was going to be mad, but then I remembered you don't use autocorrect and spelled everything correctly and I was kinda impressed.
Randomize
