Dude, this place has 10% alcohol beer on tap. It's like God's semen.
I'm at the laundry mat. This guy is here showing me his ankle monitor. The weird ones always find me.
His dick was poking my bladder. That big...
Found my smoke alarm in a ziploc in my toilet...again
That penis you're staring at is the penis of heartbreak. Stay away. It will break your heart AND keep you away from other penises. BACK. OFF. THE PENIS.
Apparently you get kicked out of gay bars if they catch you putting the entire free condom bowl in your purse.
I asked if I could borrow some condoms. She referred to herself as "a soup kitchen for whores".
Actually going to jail after your wedding is NOT part of the plan.
I just got a lecture from your coked out sister about the monetary value of Dothraki hair braids. Take her home.
I decided taking Molly and seeing Birdman seemed like a wise life choice.
I just want to buy drugs without having to pay an arm and a leg for it. Is that a horrible thing to ask for?
I mean, it's not like you can exactly complain to the manager and higher ups about it.
Anyone would get lost in that field after that much vodka. Trust me... I kind of feel like superman considering I even made it home. Most people would've been face down in a random oilfield. Not this guy.
"fuck it, let's do moonshine" shouldn't be in ANYONE'S vocabulary.
You know what would have been funny if we got arrested last night? The inventory search of the lock box:\n\nContents:\n1 work ID\n1 33 round Glock magazine\n1 set of keys\n1 vibrator\n2 bags fruit snacks\n1 parking hang tag
See that doesn't work because we've had sex so its awkward for you to call me mom
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