Houston.. we have a drinking problem..
i need to find a birthday card for her that tells her how happy i am that i can now legally bang her
I just realized I use Twitter to keep of track of when I get drunk.
Their car went through the first bag of wine on the drive up...clearly 6 bags was not enough.
And then he tried to clean the throw up off my pants with 409
I'm putting you on my Emergency card so i can spend the last ounce of strength in my hospital bed to flip you off.
I thought you wanted to talk?
What part of "Lets have angry sex" means I want to talk?
i feel like i am made of mashed potatoes. i love cannabis pills so. fucking. much.
I've got to stop being so hungover that I puke in the fine establishments of this glorious town.
How did you tell her we met?
I told her that we met at the sex shop down the street, I thought it would be the most reasonable explanation.
I'm definitely single now but she stole my mailbox
Woke up, bank account is empty. Sock is still full of blood. Nothing in my pockets but a wireless mic and jenga pieces.
Guy running next to me at the gym is judging me. I think he can smell the whiskey leaking out of my pores.
He got mad at you last time bc you tried to rap battle him via text. This is strictly business.
So if your sore it's because you tried to tackle a tree last night. When I told you at the party, you said "What do you expect, I'm an athlete!"
Randomize
