Dude my mom stole all your condoms
Godddamnit i jsu woke up in oharee. My connecxtion left an hro ago. Thosse flight atttendants can DRinK
There is something about drinking on a golf course and getting with younger women that just really makes me feel at home.
We're not too concerned with getting her out of jail. We're on a mission for donuts.
I wont be hard to find. Im wearing a darth vader mask and I have a megaphone.
That's like rubbing a penis in my face and not giving it to me.
Ladystoner tip: if eyes are bloodshot, lime green eyeliner makes them appear less red. its basic artt.
Some rando is vomiting profusely into the garden outside the employee entrance. Where are you when things like this happen to me?
Vomiting outside the employee entrance
Woke up to a break up text for a facebook relationship I didn't even know I was in... 2012 is going to be a good year
I was laying there trying to sleep and then he sat up, took out his dick, and put it on my shoulder. It wasn't even hard- it was just casually perched.
Easy Mac and you are the sexiest things in my life
Let's go get coffee and handcuffs.
I hope dressing like a sexy, but very grown up and intelligent, secretary while out shopping helps disguise how high I am right now.
Doing a small happy dance cause my cocaine successfully went through airport security
If I could eat my chicken parm naked, it would be the closest I could ever be to God.
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