I don't know which is worse: knowing all the free porn websites, or knowing which days they update their free porn.
you yelled "you will never make love to jesus" and then ran into the tv.
When I told my boss I'm using a vacation day for 4/20, he gave me his personal cell phone number and winked at me.
Life lesson. Learning to pee left handed is easier than learning brickbreaker left handed. Rather lose a few drops than a few lives
Does the whole "it was New Years" excuse apply this year?
that trick or treat candy bucket that we used to collect beer money last night was very helpful when I vomited in it this morning
The entire time I'm blowing him she's in the back seat lecturing me on the reasons why you're not suppose to do that while they're driving...
I'm stoned entirely off resin. Licking my blankets. Merry Christmas. Jesus died for our sins. Yay Jesus. I love you.
Don't you dare blame me for walking in one walking in on ur fuck session....u decided to fuck where we hid our booze
apparently I crawled into someone's bed and demanded they call me 'big dog' before shotgunning a beer
Also, as my manager i'm going to put you in charge of making sure i don't drown.
Jasmine is diving into bushes again.
Good morning! So would you prefer me to show up kind of late or on time but looking like I got chewed up and spat out by an episode of Buffy the Vampire Slayer?
I'm developing all these feelings it's disgusting.
There's so much mac and cheese stuck to my foot right now
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