so...dinner was kid's cuisine and a bottle of wine. i think they go well together.
if she mentions anything about chili and my phone, just go with it
why do cheetos always look like penises
Drunkenly found an error on my bar tab last night. THANK YOU ACCOUNTING.
there's a sign at taco bell and it says "bacon and ranch make everything better." it speaks to me.
How the fuck did you end up in a tree? With multiple people?
New low, passed out while taking a shit for an hour with my parents home, suprised they didnt notice
If you're knocked up, we're telling everyone it's mine and that the power of our love overcame the inherent reproductive limitations of two vhagines.
I'd introduce you to the guys, but you'd probably make them all fall in love with you
I could do with a Floridian man-harem. Let's do this.
Oh god. Just tried to hail a pizza delivery car. Awkward.
International sake day = success
College has done two things for me. Given me the confidence to blow my nose in public and shit in public
He looked me deeply in the eyes and said "I don't want this to be the last time I see you.. Can I follow you on Instagram"
I think you're overestimating how drunk I was
You said your pillow felt like the ocean...
Love it. I wish you see me right now. I'm counting cash on my bed with no shirt on, beauty and the beast sound track on blast. Fucking creepin it up.
There better be alcohol at this child's birthday party. Seriously not trying to be entertained by a clown while I'm still sober.
Randomize
