I let some guy put hot sauce in my asshole for his birthday
We sat in your minivan all night in a parking lot pretending we were in the magic school bus going to the sun
This girl in my class is wearing a sweatshirt that says "LEAD ME NOT INTO TEMPTATION" ahaha I almost just laughed out loud. We could never be friends
You were hugging the toilet and shouting "don't let fatty eat me" through the closed door.
It's now 3:30 and the guy I went home with is showering me with shredded cheese. Nbd.
Haha! I've never met his girlfriend, so my main focus will be not saying,"you're the only person in this room that doesn't know what my vagina feels like."
I got whiskey, so I think the blizzard and I are at an even match
I woke up while eating peanut butter from a jar. I don't think I should be social today.
his first act of 2015 was getting stabbed
His flight was delayed by two hours though. I just got cock-blocked by clouds :(
Is it weird that I only look up my ex on Twitter when I take a shit? May have conditioned myself to associate him with shit
Can we just agree for a moment that semen in your sinuses is the fucking worst?
Failing this, see a doctor for elephant tranquillisers, to be taken with whiskey orally, twice at dawn.
That portable toilet under the bed? Turns out it was a tuba. Explains alot.
Already drunk, almost got in a fight with a bunch of irish chicks. And another with canadians. On my way to get a tattoo. I plan to regret this trip.
Randomize
