There are just some things I refuse to put in my mouth.
her nipple to breast ratio was just odd
you need to do more things constructive for your career. like wearing pants more often.
you just kept swimming in circles and whenever someone would try and coax you out you would scream "i CANNOT drown, my brother is the supervisor of a water park!!
Ordered weed last night from the delivery service, and who showed up...my old real estate broker. He said, "this is less stressful." Duh.
Why is the word 'best' written on my chest?!!
Not many best friends can say they've all made out with a homeless guy
I think ppl see us as an unstoppable drunken force
You're just mad because I look hotter in my mug shot than you do in yours
Let's drink?
Just because it's bacon vodka doesn't mean it's for breakfast.
It'll just be like "PENIS HERE". In case you get lost.
I distinctly remember calling the anesthesiologist a "sneaky little bastard" directly to his face
Just ran into a client at a sex shop. The meeting tomorrow is going to be really awkward as we both try not to picture each other using vibrators or role play costumes.
The doctor said that if they accidentally damage my nerve endings I could permanently lose feeling in my lower jaw.. Honestly the first thing that came to mind was how that would affect my blowjob skills.
I have like three friends I don't have sex with, what did you expect
Randomize
