There was an extended period of my adolescent life where my friends and I would get high, drive around in my minivan listening exclusively to the wu tang clan, and intentionally crash into snowbanks
Ugh I have so many sins to confess tmw at church, you just made me think of many more I've made on that street alone
instead of telling him i dont hook up with closet frat guys, i gave him his "straight' fraternity brothers number... pike house will be interesting tonight
Banging your ex-girlfriends best friend 3 days after you break up is like saying "fuck you" with feeling. I wouldnt have it any other way.
your goal of the night was to unlock your iPhone with your nipple. You're going places.
You are the only person I know that goes to a bar enough to charge your iPhone there....
Of all the shitty people we associated with, you should be happy that I'm the one fucking your cousin. Sorry.
Ummmm you know you're drinking vodka out of a Skittles bag, right?
hurry up this bar wont let me order big pitchers of beer for just myself
3-9 out of 10... Depends on the situation. Taco Bell is more of an idea than a restaurant.
How stoned are you?
You were doing bacon vodka shots and chasing them with barbecue sauce. You're officially fucking disgusting. I love you.
At 38 I had to open a Snapchat account to communicate with my 21 yr bf. where is my life going.
THERE ARE NO EMOJIS TO SHOW MY SEXUAL FRUSTRATION
I woke up with what has to be a whole pack of smarties loose in my bra. Was that your fault?
He climbed on the counter and announced it was time for something called The Cocktacular and all the girls immediately left. He cockblocked the entire fraternity!
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