Hulk Hogan has now convinced 2 women to marry him & I have yet to have a successful or healthy relationship. I am officially depressed.
Just got a lapdance on the metro. She said she was on maternity leave and needed the practice.
Oh my god! She wrote the word ''hi'' in HAIR on the shower wall. What the fuck?!
I am way too high for this. Some guy just keeps talking about music and life goals and he apparently has lived in every city we mention we are going
Oh, I'm just lighting tennis balls and WD-40 on fire, what are YOUUU doing?!
I don't think it's considwred fine dining when you're passing out at golden palace in chinatown at 4 am with you boss who happens to be wearing a dress.
Just had Jager bombs for breakfast with her roommate... I do not regret this newfound lesbianism.
OMG IM A TIGER AND I LOVE ROARING
Go to hungover. Go directly to hungover. Do not pass go. Do not collect 200 dollars
Pretty sure the guy I hooked up with Saturday gave me a buy one get one free coupon for chipotle. Who said nice guys don't exist?
I'm suffering a hangover from deep within. I feel like the half of the parts of my body are permanently laced with alcoholic substances
The moment when you and your BFF compare frequently used emojis and realize you have similar mental disorders and a really weak alibi.
woke up with a tree in my apartment. also the everclear bottle is suspiciously low
suspiciously? i think one of those explains the other
Legit just looked at the gin bottle and said, “Aw fuck, I’m going to feel this in the morning.”
2020 sucks, I want a refund
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