Quoting wale wont save you from herpes
I'd love to come and give you a massage, but we already duck taped my keys to the ceiling...
I officially lit my glove on fire while lighting the bong. Winter needs to end.
I'm taking it from the chunk of pizza I just pulled out my hair that we ate pizza last night?
There was a bottle of vodka and chips in a vase next to the bed
Stole a wheelchair from the hospital and rolled down the street smoking and drinking this is my weekend
You slammed your face into the toilet and declared you were moving your bed into the bathroom in the morning. Also, you insisted on crawling everywhere because feet are "overrated."
2:23 am. Im just at McDonalds, in my pajamas, at 2 am, paying in nickles, cuz thats how i roll.
2:26 am. Im just being thrown out of McDonalds, in my pajamas, at 2 am, without my nickles, cuz thats how i roll.
Those drunk pictures you took of me? My mom is showing those to my grandparents.
Happiness is having a 12 hour day thinking that there are only 2 beers in the fridge when you get home, but then finding 8. Fuck you Monday, this week I won.
Men are too sensitive. They need to learn to handle me.
2015 is the year I FINALLY ALMOST had enough dick to satisfy me.
I party with great urgency now.
Angels sing when his face is between my thighs. I came 3 times before he even came up for air.
Would you still love me if I got a Whatever Forever tattoo? It's like the Emo kids' Live Laugh Love
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