hey this is lauren, i have to type for jon because he's convinced the tongs he's holding are his real hands
There's an amish chick decked out in amish clothes on a cell phone staring at me.
i woke up to find out i shared my bed with a full, open can of natty light last night and didnt spill it. then i drank it for breakfast.
Just woke up with three stitches in my left boob. Nevertheless, I think I'm going to like this school.
there may or may not be knives in your bed. I would check
we've decided to start cutting you off when you can't figure out how to work an ipod.
No our divorce decree will not have a blow job clause. Unless my alimony is greatly increased your bj's have been reduced to fantasy status.....
I didn't even have time to sit down and the nurse was like: ''You've been having unprotected sex.'' HOW DOES SHE KNOW?!?
Will you please bring your dog over today? Apparently I was drunkenly cooking last night. There's food everywhere. I'm too hungover to clean.
Hey, i turned the toilet into a water fountain. Drink up.
Then me, her, and her mom snorted tequila. The bartender was in shock.
You got pulled on stage by a stripper who wore ruffled ankle socks and did jumping jacks for her dance. Then you were put in a chokehold by a security guard that almost cried because you supposedly said "fuck you!" to him.
How could she say that about my foreskin when she hasn't even seen all the cool stuff I can do with it?
He told me he was my brother roommate in college after we fucked, but already knew that so I had pretend I didn't know that.. like how I pretended I finished. 2/10
it's okay that you two hooked up in the family bathroom at the mall.. i just pray to god you were not making a family in the family bathroom..
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