is it really weird I just got "suckable tits" in my honesty box and I'm flattered??
when i told him i was pregnant with his baby he texted me 'congradulations'
i pity the fetus.
i'm gonna start putting 34DD under other qualifications on my bartender applications and see if that helps
I just almost got out my car and drop kicked this one chick over parking. Welcome to the first day of spring semester.
if there weren't so many witnesses I 100% wouldve punted that squirrel
I get hit on by the prison guards every time i go to see him. Seriously.
No, it's ok. He's Greek. To him I'm just a light drinker, not an alcoholic.
Fuck you fireball...just straight up fuck out of here
Just watched a middle age white woman scream WHY DON'T YOU GO FUCK YOURSELF, HELEN?! Helen seemed absolutely scandalized.
It's scary that my vibrator is a dangerous weapon. I want a new one.
You sealing the pinky promise with a shot was much better than just kissing it
I found my wallet. Still have no idea when I put mad dog in my steel water bottle, though...
according to the calendar even that i put in my phone last night, i'm supposed to fuck shit up at 11am today... i really hope i didn't miss something important
Juice tastes so weird without alcohol
Hey? Just a hypothetical. You ever accidentally kill somebody's cat on purpose? Like you didn't mean to but it had it coming? If you're wondering it tripped me while I was walking down the stairs and I landed on it as I fell.
Randomize
