OK...I gotta go get strawberry short cake cakes and knee pads
i gave him head before the novacaine wore off...i think his penis touched my lung
look out your window.... he's holding his iphone up like a boombox playing you beach boys
It's been five and a half years since she and my brother stopped dating. I feel like that's a long enough grace period. Going for it.
We went into lab today and when no one was looking i touched our cadaver's penis!
I'm stoned entirely off resin. Licking my blankets. Merry Christmas. Jesus died for our sins. Yay Jesus. I love you.
I just tried to text you by typing "whoa" into my contacts.
I lull them into a false sense of security with my gayness. Then when they're vulnerable, I strike, like a snake. A big non-gay snake, with huge balls.
I call him Seabiscuit because he's my trusty steed
Holy shit, add "successfully got stoned secretly at a party where a cop was" to my list of accomplishments.
I left my ice cream out over night, it's melted, fuck this, I just poured Bailey's in it. Problems solved.
I got her number but I don't think I'll be able to smash, I was pretending to be British AND I forgot her name
WTF was I supposed to tell them? "hi mom and dad, this is some rando I met on the internet. please ignore the noises that will be coming from my bedroom for the next 60-90 minutes. kthxbye."
No just a list of 20 of my favorite things
Where are penises on the list
Where am I on the list
Under penises
I went with vodka instead of tequila tonight so I make better decisions. Fool proof plan.
Randomize
